No Bueno …

Today is a day that has reminded me that this terrible disease is not fun.  For me, depression is like a room full of the fattest elephants sitting on top of you.  It’s hard to think, let alone breathe.  It’s numbing.  You have no where to go, and even if you could, you have no where to go.  It’s so terribly terrible! It is.

This morning, I dropped off my kiddos to school and then I was on my way to swimming, fighting the tears, fighting the feelings.  Arriving to the aquatic center, I just sat in my car. I sat there fighting the feeling to start the car again and leave.  But then my phone rang.  That didn’t help.  Major fraud in my name (AGAIN!) … SIGH!!! … These very disrespectful and rude nincompoops (and just so disrespectful and rude!) are at it again.  I called my hubby and shared the news.  I told him I gotta go in and exercise or I will be a complete and utter mess!  He told me, “GO!”  I did.  I decided to not wait.  I know that if I wait, I will stop in my tracks, the feet (and mind) just can’t go any further.  But I did – I went in.  I was proud of myself.  That was hard!  While I was doing my laps, I just focused on how strong I was, reminded myself of how much I love this part of my days.  The sweet folks in the pool asked the routine, “How are you?”  I just took a breath each time, smiled and said, “I’m good.”  Not really.  But I’m better because I’m here.  That’s what I reminded myself each time, too.

I worked hard those 80 minutes.  And then I went and worked on the elliptical machine and the bike for another 30 minutes.  I just needed to.  I felt better.

I’m not totally well right now.  But I wanted to record this before I forget the struggle… and the victories of this day.  Right now, they’re not “hooray” kind of victories or any of the sort, but victories are victories!!!  I’m still taking breaths.  Mostly shallow, but that is okay! I’m still just trying to make sense of this day, and really just make it through.  I will.  🙂  It’ll just take a bit of extra effort.  No promises that tears won’t come.  But I’ll get through it.

I do hope that as you read this blog (or any of my postings now or in the future), that you won’t think me anything but a person who loves her family, has a passion and love of the arts, and one who tries her best in all that she does.  I’m not a bad person.  I’m not a person anyone should ever feel they can’t be friends with.  I try to be kind, respectful and loving.  Depression is just a challenge I was blessed with.  And I will come out a stronger person because of it.

Much love and a warm blanket,

Susan